Friday, August 13, 2004
don't worry.. i m not suicidal or anything.. but sometimes, i feel living is a chore. u live trying to meet the expectations of other people. u live trying to meet your own expectations. u live trying to please other people. u live trying to reach a certain goal, a certain target. sometimes i try too hard, i expect too much from others, from myself.. i end up miserable, depressed.. i wonder what is my purpose here on earth.. if today i vanish from this planet, i doubt anything will change.. lives will go on.. the sun still rises.. the trees still grow..
tmr's 14th aug.. exactly one yr since my osc colleague passed away due to complications from a heart operation.. i wonder how many people still remember him.. perhaps his parents, his family and some of his close friends.. i cannot claim to be very close to him but it saddened me all the same last yr this time.. i was on my way to tuition after a badminton session with my frens when i received a msg from his handphone.. i m X's cousin. X has just passed away last night due to.... i can still vividly remember that day.. life is so transient and unpredictable pple always say but i did not really believe in it until that day.. dunno where is he now but do hope that he rests in peace..
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back to myself, i wonder wat kind of person i m sometimes.. the things i do.. the words i say.. did they come from the heart? did i really mean what i say? i really dunno.. i searched for 20 yrs wat i really am, i m still searching..
i feel like i m hanging on to this metal bar now, like the days during canoe training.. seems like a long time already, my hands are getting tired.. my mind tells me to give up.. my heart says."hang on." i dunno wat to do.. i juz feel a bit
li bu chong xin..
many pple told me i m a nice guy.. i don't really think so.. actually i noe who's reading all these and seriously i don't know wat purpose i m trying to achieve here.. make myself feel better? earn some sympathy? make someone feel bad? i tell u really, deep inside i m a selfish and sinful person.. so don't bother consoling me or sympathizing with me..
I kept everything inside and even though I tried / it all fell apart
What it meant to me / will eventually / be a memory / of a time when I tried
so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
i'll worship You, my God; 8:50 PM
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