Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Chinese New Year was great.. has always been great.. it will always be great until it gets to that question.. and i can anticipate to get more of it for the next few cnys to come. soon i probably got to find some carribean island to escape to on cny.. haha
u know the company was great.. u meet relatives.. get hongbaos.. (esp when i am in such dire financial straits) good food.. and the perennial blackjack or 21 dian with my cousins and aunts/uncles.. (yup some money is involved.. somehow this has been a permanent cny fixture)
but inevitably the question will be popped: " so do you have a girlfriend now?"
"... er.. no.."
"why?"
"dunno.." "busy la.. no time to find one.." but normally this one will work.. "no one wants me lor.."
haha.. either i put it in a jokingly manner and laugh off the matter.. or a pitiful tone will normally put an end to the matter.. ha..
maybe i shall employ someone as my gf next year hor.. any takers?
i'll worship You, my God; 12:45 PM
Friday, January 27, 2006
i'll worship You, my God; 7:00 PM
"The Room" by Joshua Harris
In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room. There were no distinguishing features save for the one wall covered with small index-card files. They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endlessly in either direction, had very different headings. As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was one that read “Girls I Have Liked.” I opened it and began flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names written on each one.
And then without being told, I knew exactly where I was. This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my life. Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory couldn’t match.
A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their content. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching. A file named “Friends” was next to one marked “Friends I Have Betrayed.”
The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird. “Books I Have Read,” “Lies I Have Told,” “Comfort I Have Given,” “Jokes I Have Laughed At.” Some were almost hilarious in their exactness: “Things I’ve Yelled at My Brothers.” Others I couldn’t laugh at: “Things I Have Done in My Anger,” “Things I Have Muttered Under My Breath at My Parents.” I never ceased to be surprised by the contents. Often there were many more cards than I expected. Sometimes fewer than I hoped.
I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived. Could it be possible that I had the time in my 20 years to write each of these thousands or even millions of cards? But each card confirmed this truth. Each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature.
When I pulled out the file marked “Songs I Have Listened To,” I realized the files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or three yards, I hadn’t found the end of the file. I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of music, but more by the vast amount of time I knew that file represented.
When I came to a file marked “Lustful Thoughts,” I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size, and drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed content. I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded.
An almost animal rage broke on me. One thought dominated my mind: “No one must ever see these cards! No one must ever see this room! I have to destroy them!” In an insane frenzy I yanked the file out. Its size didn’t matter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards. But as I took it at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I could not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it
Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot. Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a long, self-pitying sigh. And then I saw it. The title bore “People I Have Shared the Gospel With.” The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand.
And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that they hurt started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, ever know of this room. I must lock it up and hide the key.
But then as I pushed away the tears, I saw Him. No, please not Him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus.
I watched helplessly as He began to open the files and read the cards. I couldn’t bear to watch His response. And in the moments I could bring myself to look at His face, I saw a sorrow deeper than my own. He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes. Why did He have to read every one?
Finally He turned and looked at me from across the room. He looked at me with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn’t anger me. I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands and began to cry again. He walked over and put His arm around me. He could have said so many things. But He didn’t say a word. He just cried with me.
Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files. Starting at one end of the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His name over mine on each card.
“No!” I shouted rushing to Him. All I could find to say was “No, no,” as I pulled the card from Him. His name shouldn’t be on these cards. But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, so alive. The name of Jesus covered mine. It was written with His blood.
He gently took the card back. He smiled a sad smile and began to sign the cards. I don’t think I’ll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side. He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, “It is finished.”
I stood up, and He led me out of the room. There was no lock on its door. There were still cards to be written.
By Joshua Harris. Orginally published in New Attitude Magazine © Copyright New Attitude 1995
i'll worship You, my God; 6:28 PM
Monday, January 23, 2006
i knew this will be touchy.. but still got to clarify..
well it's not self reassuring if i really believe that God exists and that He does have his own plans for me.. how shall i put it? lets just say that i have something in mind that i want to achieve, lets say do well in medicine.. u know i can spend all my time and effort on it and on that day i get a lousy case or i screw up totally and i fail my mbbs. touch wood. it's not that he has failed to bless me or anything but he could have done this for my good.. perhaps 6 more months of studies could make me a better doctor or sth.. i am just stating an example..
to others, this might seem like comforting myself or even deceiving myself.. but for us who truly believe in him, we know that our lives do not belong to us but the mere existence of us here is sustained by God above.. and he has every right to decide what he wants for us.
at times, our human minds cannot fathom what God has planned for us.. but he truly has our interests at heart. my sis failed her promos and got retained.. to her it was like the world came crashing down.. but to God, it was all in his plans to seek her and make her accept Christ in her life in this time of adversity..
sometimes i wonder whether i should talk about all these.. not bcos i am worried about being judged by you.. but bcos i am not sure if it might be a stumbling block to some of u..
i shared about this during my testimony at the christmas party. i used to think christians are full of themselves and look down on other people.. but now i feel that we are just convicted by our faith and want to share the good news with you.. if there is a hole in front but u cant see it and i warn you of it, i dont think that is being arrogant or trying to force my beliefs on you. rather i feel rather selfish if i dont warn you about it.. (i might tell u about the hole on this blog next time.. and be prepared to get shot down ha.)
i dunno why i went off the point.. anyway it is not as if i will passively sit there and let God do his stuff.. i dont think thats what i am supposed to do.. i will still carry on with what i am doing, but with the knowledge that the outcome is decided by him above and that it is for the good of me, whether i can truly understand it or not, and it is according to the will of him.
oh manu just beat liverpool 1-0.. happy! i shall sleep in peace..
i'll worship You, my God; 2:07 AM
Saturday, January 21, 2006
yesterday had a long chat with 2 friends.. one was quite long. the other was super long. in fact it just went into the soon wee's book of records as the longest telephone conversation ever. the previous record was i think 30 minutes. after yesterday, the record stands at i think 2 and a half hours!! more on that later..
anyway, i met my bible study group mates at settlers cafe for dinner and games. it was an ok outing la.. but disappointingly, we only played 2 games.. the dumb brainless animal game where we had to make an animal noise each and remember each other's animal noises.. and cranium.. cranium is fun but it is a rather long game so we ended up playing only these 2 games. i think the mcf settlers outing was more fun though.
went home with my bs leader on mrt and we had a chat about our lives and the direction set for our bs group.. actually it was more of him sharing about what he thought of the group.. in a way, i think i agree with him that the group is rather unlively and unwilling to open up to each other.. but sometimes i guess its just people's personailities.. for myself, i would have to say i used to be a rather closed person but coming to punj has changed that a lot.. i am sort of more encouraged to share with others about my feelings and struggles because i know that people here will not judge me or look at me negatively. on the other hand, i do find it difficult to convey verbally what i think and feel.. some sort of mind-mouth dissociation.. i am better at writing it down but then again, i am lazy to write haha..
but it never fails to amaze me how faithful and godly some of the punjers are.. the time they spent each week in church preparing for bible studies.. giving up their well-paying jobs to serve full-time in church.. and many others.. i am really encouraged by them but also guilty at times.. guilty that i have not served as much as i wanted to and that sometimes, my selfish nature has prevented me from contributing to punj.. my new year resolution at the start of this year was to change that and be a more active member of PUNJ..
now to the 2 and a half hour marathon chat.. again, it's more of the other party confiding in me than anything else..
can't say much la.. just that affairs of the heart are really touchy issues.. most of the time there is no real right or wrong.. you just follow your conscience and intuition and hope that things turn out your way. i am more for the idea of following your head and thinking logically but more often that not, the heart will somehow take over and have a mind of its own.. so i really dunno.
i think as a guy, we have no choice but to take the first step.. we cant wait around for girls to ask us out.. haha. in a way we make our own luck.. but i think as time goes by, we can objectively decide for ourselves where we stand.. there will a cue here and a hint there.. and sometimes it will be so obvious a conclusion staring at you in the face yet you choose to ignore it and plunge deeper into it..
it is important to tell yourself truthfully whether it is plain infatuation or you really like the person.. i wont even use the word "love" cos it is always used out of context and used too freely.. infatuation is like seeing a shoe or a watch on the shelves and you immediately "fall in love" with it. as days go by, the feelings for that watch gets stronger.. u continue to feed your infatuation by going down to the shop and marvel over it.. how good and nice it will be if i can get it.. then slowly "i will get it".. then " i must get it" so u start to save up money and forgo lunches and movies.. finally u might save enough money to get it.. but for myself normally after a long while, i find my interest in the watch dying and i find myself thinking " hey, actually i don't really want it or need it". thats my definition of infatuation for u.. it is a flawed anology definitely but it is close to my definition la. for a start u cant use money to buy a relationship.. but u do spend a lot of time and effort to pursue it.. and a long time after u fail, depending on how stubborn u are, u will see how foolish u are..
that's a lot to say for a topic.. and that shows how much i used to think about it. i still think about it but less so now.. cos i believe God has a plan for my life and he will do things for me when the time is right..
i'll worship You, my God; 9:25 AM
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
My real shijie: Chew Chern and the fake one ha..
i'll worship You, my God; 2:25 AM
Thanks so much, Edmund! Thank God..
i'll worship You, my God; 2:23 AM
PUNJ says goodbye to Edmund and Chew Chern too..
i'll worship You, my God; 2:21 AM
PUNJ(Poly-Uni-NS-JC)ers: We will miss you, Elliot..
i'll worship You, my God; 2:17 AM
Lynette!!
i'll worship You, my God; 2:15 AM
Elliot! All da best to you..
i'll worship You, my God; 2:13 AM
Keee..vin and Allen
i'll worship You, my God; 2:12 AM
Ms Clare!
i'll worship You, my God; 2:10 AM
hohoho.. liangpei..
i'll worship You, my God; 2:08 AM
Nicholas, Shu-en, Shumin, Grace and Kristy
i'll worship You, my God; 2:05 AM
Saturday, January 07, 2006
wah so many comments.. never had so much in a long time man..
to shjie: yupz new blogskin.. nice hor? i increased font size for u leh.. hope its big enough for u
ms clare: i will consider getting a tagboard once i figure out how to get one.. and when i have the time to do so.. or perhaps u can gimme some golden advice here
and to my dearest and very understanding sister: i don't understand why u can't come over to my room and tell me rather than leave a comment here.. just trying to gain publicity right.. then again i could have gone over to ur room to tell u this.. ok i will tag on ur blog soon..
and last but not least to my dearest cg mate cum dasao: thanks for visiting my blog.. but why anonymous? u don't want people to know u? but oops, i think i revealed ur identity alr.. so sorry.. dasao. haha
i'll worship You, my God; 12:59 AM
Sunday, January 01, 2006
i am quite lousy at this html thing.. was just cutting and pasting from my old template so that the comments thing still work.. the archives also.. so eveything is in a mess.. and my sidebar is so cluttered.. but i like the background though..
going for a run with jp and jy.. what a way to start 2006! haha.
i'll worship You, my God; 4:15 PM
My real shijie: Chew Chern and the fake one ha.. 
Thanks so much, Edmund! Thank God.. 
PUNJ says goodbye to Edmund and Chew Chern too.. 
PUNJ(Poly-Uni-NS-JC)ers: We will miss you, Elliot.. 
Lynette!! 
Elliot! All da best to you.. 
Keee..vin and Allen 
Ms Clare! 
hohoho.. liangpei.. 
Nicholas, Shu-en, Shumin, Grace and Kristy